Now, I don’t know how many of you have heard the tale of, “The Elf on the Shelf?” If you haven’t, where the hell have you been?! Oh, and well done.
If you don’t know about him, let me explain…
He’s a jolly little fellow, called a scout Elf, who comes out on the 1st of December, in his festive best, and leaves on Christmas Day.
He is to sit upon a shelf, and not be touched, otherwise his magic and all he has seen will disappear and he won’t be able to report back and tell Santa if you’ve been naughty or nice upon his return to the North Pole.
You get the jist.
Cute eh? Or creepy. I’m leaning more towards the creepy camp.
So, seen as its officially the run up to Christmas now, I thought I’d do my own take on things.
Ladies and Gentlemen, sober and un-sober, I give you…
The tale of The Deer with a Beer.
(Bet you didn’t see that coming did you? Neither did I truth be told).
Over the next 24 days, we shall follow The Deer with a Beer on his festive escapades and peek in on his high-jinx.
Let me set the scene if you will…
The tale of The Deer with a Beer is a tragic one.
A tale of fame and misfortune, coupled with a fetish for alcoholic beverages.
His name was Rudolph, he was one of the most wonderful reindeer you could ever have set your eyes upon.
A glossy fur coat, impressive antlers and he wore a cashmere scarf to die for.
Snazzy.
He was the star in Santa’s fleet – one of the fat man in red’s chosen few and even had a song written about him (tell me you’re not singing it…you are aren’t you). Life was pretty darn good.
Presents were delivered on time, his internal sat-nav was working perfectly, he had a brilliant diet of organic carrots and triple distilled glacier water and he had muscle definition to die for.
As the years went by, and Rudolph began to hit middle age, he found things a bit harder.
He had a wife and family who he had to support, he was working ridiculous hours, he was forgetting the way to places he’d traveled to for years and his muscle definition had diminished enormously, resulting in him having to use a slender-tone on a nightly basis.
He began to struggle, became exhausted and just wasn’t getting the same satisfaction from his diet of carrots and water that he used to.
One snowy Christmas night, when Rudolph was on the present run in Belgium, Rudolph found a family had left a bottle of drink out for Santa. He read the label which said,
“Beer. Made from 100%, All Natural Ingredients.”.
“This stuff can’t be too bad if Santa drinks it. And it is 100% Natural,” he said to himself, “I’ll give it a go”.
He drank the bottle in one and let out an enormous belch.
(Down in one. Bravo! Very impressive for a first go).
Then, a few moments later, he began to feel as light as a feather. He felt an overwhelming sense of happiness, he felt like he had the ability to fly through walls and amazingly, he felt young again.
He felt better than he’d felt in years.
This drink was magical!!
From that night on, Rudolph vowed to drink 5 bottles of ‘all natural ingredient’ beer every day.
Forever.
To start with, he had his mojo back.
He felt fit, young and he was still the jewel in Santa’s festive crown.
He even harnessed a new magical power thanks to the beer. He found that drinking it caused his nose to glow bright red and it enabled him to light the way for Santa’s sleigh, saving Santa an immense amount of money in electricity bills.
The more beer Rudolph drank, the more his nose glowed.
And all thanks to this magical beverage.
But as time went on, Rudolph became dependent on the beer to get to work every day and it’s magical effect began to wear off.
It no longer made him feel happy, it no longer made him feel like he could fly though walls, he felt old. And tired. And drunk.
His marriage broke down and his wife left him for some other reindeer called, Blitzen. What a stupid name Rudolph thought to himself, her loss, and to make matters worse, the vet told him the red nose was not due to magic, but due to burst capillaries in his nose because of all the beer he had drunk.
(Not such a cheery festive song about him now is it…? Shame on us for singing it earlier on).
Rudolph’s performance nose dived so much, Santa had to make the tough decision to retire him early.
Santa was kind to Rudolph though and allowed him to stay at the North Pole to see out his retirement.
He now lives a playboy lifestyle there and only drinks one beer a day in the 24 day run up to Christmas.
So there you have it.
A Christmas story revealed.
One to share with the kids maybe??
No?
Alright then.
We’ll just keep this one to ourselves.
So, as promised, here is day one of; “A Deer with a Beer”.
Deer with a Beer: Day 1
Rudolph decides to have a dip in his chocolate filled hot tub, with a beer in hand of course, to kick off the 1st day of December.
Having one chocolate a day from an advent calendar is no fun. Have a sodding hot tub full!
“Look at my chocolaty balls!”
(Naughty Rudolph).
Tune in again tomorrow for day 2!
I much prefer this version – the thought of an elf creeping around the house when we were asleep is beyond creepy! Look forward to what he gets up to tomorrow! x
Truly truly awesome Gems, I giggled out loud (not laughed, we have a client here – don’t want her to think I’m crazy!) I want to join him in the chocolate hot tub. And having never been subjected to “Elf on the shelf” I am a true follower of “Deer with a beer”, looking forward to part 2!!
This is going to be a fun journey! So much better than the elf. #bigpinklink
Heather Keet recently posted…I wish I had a cooler story…
Bahahaha! Rudolph is my kind of guy! Buddy, our elf on the shelf, is a bellend. Next year it’s all about Rudy for us 😉 #bigpinklink
Hahaha – definitely much more fun than that squeaky clean elf! And you told it lovely! Already looking forward to the next installment! #BigPinkLink.
Ha ha! Excellent. This is my kind of story. Loving the beer and chocolates combo. Great fun to put a smile on my face this Monday morning 😉 #bigpinklink
Ha ha ha ha – you talented girl! I feel a little sorry for Rudolph bless him – Blitzen even sounds ripped – poor Rudolph! #BigPinkLink
Oh Gem this made me giggle!! #bigpinklink
You know I love Deer With A Beer, Elf on a shelf can do one! This is so much better #bigpinklink
Hahaha I love this!! To hell with Elf on the shelf, next year I am all about deer with a beer!! I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you Gemma, hilarious! #bigpinklink
five little doves recently posted…A bump in the road
I love the take on Rudolph – hilarious! I’m not organised enough to do Elf on the Shelf but I’m liking Deer with a Beer. Next year maybe! #bigpinklink
Tabitha Siklos recently posted…‘Tis the season to be jolly (fa la la la la…)
Love this – way better than Elf on the Shelf! #bigpinklink
OddHogg recently posted…Meal Plan Monday – 5th December 2016
This is so funny!
I hate the damn elf but I could totally get down with deer and a beer!
#bigpinklink
Naughty Rudolf! I knew he was a suspicious character with his red nose! Now I know why… the elf is creepy but my girls seem to like it, although I did miss out the fact that it ‘reports back to Santa’ because I am a far bigger threat to them so the elf reports back to me! I shit you not, that is what I told them… Parenting at its best… Perhaps me and Rudolf would get on well 😉
#BigPinkLink
Kirsty – Winnettes recently posted…A Letter to my Eldest
Deer with a beer all the way – love it! Alison x #bigpinklink
Alison (MadHouseMum) recently posted…Who says girls can’t fight?
Deer with the beer pisses on any elf! Howling! #bigpinklink
Ha ha this got me giggling. I like this story
Looking forward to hearing more about his escapades
Tracey xx #bigpinklinkup
This is such a great cheeky twist in the Elf on the Shelf. Hats off to you for still setting yourself up for 24 days of hassle when you clearly appreciate this cult (which as a new mother I had never heard of until this year) is a bit of a bind… #bigpinklink
Nursery Whines recently posted…What Is In A Name? Top Baby Names 2016
Haha – much better than the creepy elf!
#bigpinklink
Beth recently posted…6 Christmas Themed Books
Ahahaha, brilliant! I read this one out to Hubs, you’ve had us both laughing!
#bigpinklink
The Tale of Mummyhood recently posted…#Blogstravaganza – #1
WAY loads better than the elves cluttering up our instagram feeds!
#BigPinkLink
MMT recently posted…Parenting through the good days and the bad
Hee hee – this is super and a much funnier take on the elf thing than I’ve seen….we have Elvis the Elf but he hasn’t made an appearance yet this year as I find that I do start using him for behaviour management and I hate myself for it!!!!! Will probably get him out a few days before Xmas just for a bit of fun…. actually I may take him into my classroom tomorrow and see if he works on my Y9 class!!! 😉 xx #bigpinklink
Move over elf, Rudolph is much more fun! #BigPinkLink
Fiona Cambouropoulos recently posted…MilkShake Fabulous Friends on DVD
He looks like way more fun than my bloody elf! A much better story, too. #bigpinklink
Anna Brophy recently posted…JUST HANGING IN THERE
If the Elf brought an alcoholic beverage each day I would like him a LOT more….Deer here I come! #bigpinklink
haha love it! I’ve seen a few variations of Elf on the Shelf now. I agree, the elf is creepy looking!
Enjoy the adventures! #bigpinklink
Lucy’s Locket recently posted…Christmas traditions for families
I really don’t get the elf on a shelf thing and haven’t done it with my kids. I think it would have scared me as a child- it looks creepy and the fact it moves around by itself! A drunk soft toy, on the other hand- someone’s got to drink that bottle every night! That’s my kind of thing!! x#bigpinklink
Sonia recently posted…Baked Cod with Root Veg Chips
I will never be able to sing “that song” again in the same way. Loving the story – and I’m particularly impressed with his hot tub of chocolate. This is a hot tub that I could really get on board with! Thanks for hosting #bigpinklink xx
deer with the beer – brilliant ! A bit like mum with a wine each day! and a hot tub of chocs would be ideal! #bigpinklink xx
Hah!! I love this naught Rudolf!! So much better than those pesky elves!! #bigpinklink x
Cheryl recently posted…Bah Humbug! 9 Reasons This Season Sends me Crackers
Excellent ! One chocolate a day wouldn’t do me either 🙂 #bigpinklink
Now this is a Christmas tradition that I can get behind! #bigpinklink
Please tell me – where can I buy this book for my child? LOL # BigPinkLink
Oh I much prefer the deer with a beer!! Less creepy… and he’s holding a beer, obviously far superior. #bigpinklink
Twin Pickle recently posted…How to Arrange Pictures Creatively: Naptime Makeover
Hahaha I that the bloody elf thing!! This I can get much more on board with! #bigpinklink
I love the idea of the deer with the beer!! #bigpinklink
Louise – Mummy Miller recently posted…My Must Watch Christmas Movies
I love this! Something for the adults! #bigpinklink
You’ve really gone all out on this, I love it! x #bigpinklink
Claire recently posted…Kids Craft: Easy Christmas Baubles!
You made the poem in the shape of a Christmas tree I think? Clever you ! Any post that mentions chocolate is good, even the thought of dirty hooves in the hot tub #BigPinkLink
Jo Sandelson recently posted…Property Deals
Ahah that little bum wiggle! Poor Rudolph, maybe for Christmas Santa can get him a stay at a recovery centre for alcoholics hahahahahahaha! #bigpinklink
I love love love this!! A christmas tale for the adults at last 🙂 #bigpinklink
I’m with you on the elf seeming scary. It’s the reindeer I’m cheering for. #bigpinklink
Such a tragic tale, it’s like a festive Wolf of Wall Street! I also like the look of his beer.
#bigpinklink
I’m not a big fan of the elf, but this is funny! Perhaps my elf would hug a pint of ice cream! #bigpinklink
I find the elf a little on the creepy side too- I mean, have you seen his face?!? I do find it pretty amusing seeing the mischievous things they get up to though. Love this tale though, I got a funny look from Hubby from the giggling though! Can’t wait to see what Rudolph gets up to on the run up to Christmas. Thank you for being a wonderful co host #bigpinklink xx
Deer with a beer spunds so much better than the drafted Elf on the Shelf… #bigpinklink
Crummy Mummy recently posted…Pregnancy cravings & what they REALLY mean
Unless I was on a different planet I don’t ever remember the elf on the shelf thing when my teens were young …omg what a great way to keep your kids well behaved for a whole month. Loving the Deer with A Beer story…hee hee…five bottles a day – how many units?! Who cares?? #bigpinklink
Jo – Mother of Teenagers recently posted…The Value of Female Friendships
Ha ha – I much prefer Deer with a Beer to Elf on the Shelf… get a patent and quick! #bigpinlink
Nadia – Scandimummy
PS. Sorry this comment is slightly late xx
This is absolutely brilliant. Kicks the ass of that boring creepy old fart, Elf on the Shelf. Deer with Beer is the one!!! Great concept for a story, your creative juices were certainly flowing for this one, nice job!!
BTW – I think we might all know a ‘Rudolph’ !!!!
Eek, for to add #BigPinkLink – dam it !!!!