Before I start, a disclaimer. Any similarities that are found in this poem to my life, or that of anyone else’s, is purely co-incidental.
Oh, who am I trying to kid, of course it’s about my sodding life!
Potty training.
Literally and metaphorically, a shit time in your parenting life…
The time has come my little one, for you to use the potty,
Life is so much better when there’s no poo upon your botty.
This part is where your wee comes out and this part lets you poo,
and when you’ve mastered the potty my child, you can sit upon the loo.
***
“Wee-wee coming” the cry rings out, the toddler needs to pee,
“Go-go-go” the mummy yells, as she whips him off her knee…
Down come the trousers, as quick as a flash, then onto the potty he goes,
“Wee-wee gone” says the little one, a false alarm I suppose.
***
“Uh-oh!” says the toddler, with a grin on his face, he’s stood in a puddle of piss,
“Oh sodding hell!” the mum says in her head, “how the chuff did my life become this?”
“Don’t worry darling!” she says out loud, forcing a smile from within.
“Fuck this shit”, she says to herself, “I’m off to crack open the Gin”.
***
“Poo-poo coming!” the toddler now yells and the mum runs as fast as she can,
she slides on the floor like a ninja and whisks him away to the pan.
“Uh-oh!” says the toddler, a smirk on his face, a distinct whiff of faeces appears,
a peek down his trousers reveals a huge stinky turd and sadly confirms her worst fears.
***
“Where do we poo my sweet little boy? On the potty or in your trousers?”
The mum tries her best not to shout, “What the fuck!” as she deals with this stinkiest of encounters.
Her nostrils offended, her stomach is churned, the stench will not sod the hell off,
How can a person so small, cause such a stench which makes you gag and cough?
***
Weeks pass on by, and with each one that does, the training doesn’t get any better,
She begins to think her child’s pissing on things, merely to upset her.
The sofa is covered in stains and weird smells, “Is that stain on there chocolate or poo?”
She gives it a sniff to investigate more, “Ah, it’s definitely the latter. Ewwww!”
***
The mum decides that maybe her toddler just isn’t ready for potty training yet.
“I mean, to be honest this child of mine doesn’t care if his nappy is wet.”
She decides that it’s best to just call it quits before her patience is thinner than thin,
so she puts him in a nappy, heads out to the kitchen and pours a fecking massive Gin.
Interior design addition by my todder. Piss on the sofa…
One of the most fun times in your parenting career isn’t it, potty training?
Intravenous Gin. It’s the only way forward…
Very funny!
We are in the throes of toilet training but are taking a bit of a relaxed approach: toddler-led potty training!!
As and when she wants too… Please god let her have cracked it by school! 2 hrs and counting!
Very wise!!! Girls are quicker than boys normally (according to the ‘experts’) – I’m the same, as long has he’s dry by school in 2018 it’s ok xx
Lol, we are about to embark on this and the memories are still very vivid from first time around. Brilliant poem! 🙂
Thanks Lou! And all the best with it! Girls are normally better than boys x
Oh my word your disclaimer made me laugh out loud. Oh, and you poor poor sofa. Thank the lord for sodding gin!! #BigPinkLink
justsayingmum recently posted…It’s Still My Time Too
Oh bless you, this made me giggle! We are just starting potty training, I must admit I’m not looking forward to it! #bigpinklink
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This is very funny! And true I expect. I fear I have all this to come, my little one is 14 months and another expected in a couple of weeks so I haven’t given potty training much thought yet I must confess, but I am dreading it. I fear for my poor sofa . Love the idea of intravenous gin!
Haha I love this Gemma! Hilarious and so true! Potty training really is the suckiest part of parenting! #bigpinklink
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Funny! One part of parenting that I’m definitely not looking forward to! #bigpinklink
Oh gawd – this made me laugh and shudder in equal measures! I hate it. One down, one to go!
#bigpinklink
Oh memories! I wasn’t a patient potty trainer, so this poem really made me laugh! Brilliant. Alison x #BigPinkLink
Ahahaha! Bloody hilarious! I suppose I’ve got all this to come with Wills, Amelia woke up one morning and decided she wanted knickers – that was pretty much it bar the odd accident! #BigPinkLink
I am so glad my potty training days are over. My youngest used to do the most smelliest of poos #bigpinklink
Natasha Mairs recently posted…Word Has it! & Yeti in my Spaghetti Games Review
I hear ya- we are potty training twins over here.
#bigpinklink
kristin mccarthy recently posted…Politics and Princesses – Transgender Plea – Let Us Pee!
Oh I do love a poem!!! Really made me smile as we have just been through all of this a few months ago with my little boy. Everything you said was spot on!! The amount of times we here ‘wee wee coming’!! Thank you for making me laugh on a monday morning x #bigpinklink
Took about 4 over all attempts with Ellie but then one thing I am very good at is knowing when to quit. I could have persevered but I just didn’t want to. Now Trixie is ready and I was going to do it….honest I was! But then Hubby went away for the week for work…Half term week!! So no, I didn’t do it!Even intravenous gin isn’t enough to counter solo parenting and potty training at the same time.
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I can’t actually remember what we did, but she’s okay now so it must have been right! So funny!
Gosh I’m glad we’re three years on from those days! They weren’t my favourite parenting experience! #BigPinkLink
So funny and reminds me of the time my youngest spread it on all the walls in the bathroom, yeah I puked. #bigpinklink
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Intravenous gin! I love it! #bigpinklink
Hahaha brilliant! We’re in the middle of this and being pregnant it’s just a bit harder as there is no gin or wine for me!
#bigpinklink
New Mummy Blog recently posted…Maternity clothes – bargains from Love The Sales
Very funny – so glad we’re past all that but when you’re in the thick of it, I remember it seems endless. #bigpinklink
Well done for finding poetry in something so gruesome. I haven’t got to this phase yet, but I remember babysitting for a little boy and there were ping pong balls floating in the loos in his house because his mother had read it was a good way to encourage him to want to use the toilet and make a game of aiming at the balls… I still had to change wet pants and the ping pong balls just freaked me out. #bigpinklink
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ph god i am not looking forward to this!!! at least i know someone else is getting through it with boooooooze! #bigpinklink
Mrs Mummy Harris recently posted…Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box – A Rave Review
Haa I loved this. Potty training almost killed me, there was poo everywhere! #bigpinklink
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Good luck i’m not looking forward to doing thus second time around #bigpinklink
Ohh I am not looking forward to this, I still have a year or two to prep myself #bigpinklink
Louise – Mummy Miller recently posted…A First Birthday Party
Hehe! Ohh I am not looking forward to this, I still have a year or two to prep myself #bigpinklink
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Sometimes it’s frightening to get a glimpse of one’s own future. Peachy is only 14 months. Not looking foward to this. #bigpinklink
Very inspiring! I feel so much more prepared for potty training the twins now, haha!
#bigpinklink 🙂
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Am dreading the day potty training begins… may just keep him in nappies until he leaves home.lol! Boys are notoriously more difficult to train though. Pass the gin when you’re done. #bigpinklink
haha … bless. You will get there in the end. x #bigpinklink
lol this is brilliant. For me I would say the opposite. My little girl was a nightmare, she is so stubborn and point blank refused. Then on her third birthday she decided to do it and that was her. The boys were both trained in a few days, but didn’t dig their heels in. It is a nightmare though. Wine should come with a potty for the parent xx #bigpinklink
ah gotta love potty training! this reminds me of a take on paw patrol I wrote last year – poo patrol!! #bigpinklink
So funny and clever and oh-so-relatable. Godspeed, soldier! #bigpinklink
Hah! Hah!! Yes, I agree, a tough time. Thank God I’m out of it!! Keep drinking the gin and keep smiling! #bigpinklink
Cheryl @ Tea or Wine recently posted…2 Year Blog Anniversary and Self Hosting Panic!
Certainly have no wish to return to these days – was useless at it but it all worked out in the end
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Ha ha brilliant. Yes I was there a few times before my child decided that she would potty train at the grand old age of 3.5 years (she just wasn’t ready before that, and neither was I!)
The wee I can cope with, but the poo, ew!
#bigpinklink
Awesome! I didn’t potty train my two adopted kids but I did potty train my pup little puddles and parcels left to mop up! I share your pain! Great poem. #bigpinklink
Brilliant poem lovely, I’m so glad I went with my instincts with Willow, we were getting so much pressure to potty train but I stood my ground and wouldn’t do it until she decided to do it- luckily we had little to no accidents. I’m not so sure we’ll be so lucky the next time around though haha!! #bigpinklink xx
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As always, I love this hunni! Brilliant poem and I am off to share around 🙂 xxx
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Teehee! Thanks hun xx
You’re beyond lovely xxx Loveya Yvonne xx
Hahaha, brilliant Gemma!! I am just always so in awe of people who can put rhymes together-it’s like that part of my brain is faulty-I just can’t do it!! Genius, this is! Well, we were lucky with the eldest-he refused to be potty trained (as in, actually held in the poo until he was so constipated we had to stealth feed him tonnes of movicol) until he had no choice but to poo-but he’d scream till he was sick if we tried to get him to do that poo on the toilet! At 3 and 1/2, we couldn’t really say anymore that he ‘wasn’t ready,’ and tried again, and he just did it-he’s never had an accident since the very first day he’s been in pants! But the little one will be a whole different story… He keeps asking for big boy pants, and instead of grabbing the opportunity, I’m saying no, because I want it to go the way it did with the eldest-but this is the assassin child we are talking about-everything is harder…!
#bigpinklink
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