The Potty Training Poem…

how potty training my toddler went
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Before I start, a disclaimer.  Any similarities that are found in this poem to my life, or that of anyone else’s, is purely co-incidental.

Oh, who am I trying to kid, of course it’s about my sodding life!

Potty training.

Literally and metaphorically, a shit time in your parenting life…


The time has come my little one, for you to use the potty,

Life is so much better when there’s no poo upon your botty.

This part is where your wee comes out and this part lets you poo,

and when you’ve mastered the potty my child, you can sit upon the loo.

***

“Wee-wee coming” the cry rings out, the toddler needs to pee,

“Go-go-go” the mummy yells, as she whips him off her knee…

Down come the trousers, as quick as a flash, then onto the potty he goes,

“Wee-wee gone” says the little one, a false alarm I suppose.

***

“Uh-oh!” says the toddler, with a grin on his face, he’s stood in a puddle of piss,

“Oh sodding hell!” the mum says in her head, “how the chuff did my life become this?”

“Don’t worry darling!” she says out loud, forcing a smile from within.

“Fuck this shit”, she says to herself, “I’m off to crack open the Gin”.

***

“Poo-poo coming!” the toddler now yells and the mum runs as fast as she can,

she slides on the floor like a ninja and whisks him away to the pan.

“Uh-oh!” says the toddler, a smirk on his face, a distinct whiff of faeces appears,

a peek down his trousers reveals a huge stinky turd and sadly confirms her worst fears.

***

“Where do we poo my sweet little boy? On the potty or in your trousers?”

The mum tries her best not to shout, “What the fuck!” as she deals with this stinkiest of encounters.

Her nostrils offended, her stomach is churned, the stench will not sod the hell off,

How can a person so small, cause such a stench which makes you  gag and cough?

***

Weeks pass on by, and with each one that does, the training doesn’t get any better,

She begins to think her child’s pissing on things, merely to upset her.

The sofa is covered in stains and weird smells, “Is that stain on there chocolate or poo?”

She gives it a sniff to investigate more, “Ah, it’s definitely the latter. Ewwww!”

***

The mum decides that maybe her toddler just isn’t ready for potty training yet.

“I mean, to be honest this child of mine doesn’t care if his nappy is wet.”

She decides that it’s best to just call it quits before her patience is thinner than thin,

so she puts him in a nappy, heads out to the kitchen and pours a fecking massive Gin.

Wee on the sofa

Interior design addition by my todder. Piss on the sofa…

One of the most fun times in your parenting career isn’t it, potty training?

Intravenous Gin. It’s the only way forward…

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45 Comments

  1. November 14, 2016 / 9:44 pm

    Very funny!
    We are in the throes of toilet training but are taking a bit of a relaxed approach: toddler-led potty training!!
    As and when she wants too… Please god let her have cracked it by school! 2 hrs and counting!

  2. admin
    November 14, 2016 / 10:34 pm

    Very wise!!! Girls are quicker than boys normally (according to the ‘experts’) – I’m the same, as long has he’s dry by school in 2018 it’s ok xx

  3. November 15, 2016 / 9:06 pm

    Lol, we are about to embark on this and the memories are still very vivid from first time around. Brilliant poem! 🙂

  4. admin
    November 17, 2016 / 7:13 am

    Thanks Lou! And all the best with it! Girls are normally better than boys x

  5. February 20, 2017 / 9:18 am

    Oh my word your disclaimer made me laugh out loud. Oh, and you poor poor sofa. Thank the lord for sodding gin!! #BigPinkLink
    justsayingmum recently posted…It’s Still My Time TooMy Profile

  6. February 20, 2017 / 10:27 am

    This is very funny! And true I expect. I fear I have all this to come, my little one is 14 months and another expected in a couple of weeks so I haven’t given potty training much thought yet I must confess, but I am dreading it. I fear for my poor sofa . Love the idea of intravenous gin!

  7. February 20, 2017 / 11:34 am

    Funny! One part of parenting that I’m definitely not looking forward to! #bigpinklink

  8. February 20, 2017 / 11:38 am

    Oh gawd – this made me laugh and shudder in equal measures! I hate it. One down, one to go!
    #bigpinklink

  9. February 20, 2017 / 12:04 pm

    Oh memories! I wasn’t a patient potty trainer, so this poem really made me laugh! Brilliant. Alison x #BigPinkLink

  10. February 20, 2017 / 12:21 pm

    Ahahaha! Bloody hilarious! I suppose I’ve got all this to come with Wills, Amelia woke up one morning and decided she wanted knickers – that was pretty much it bar the odd accident! #BigPinkLink

  11. February 20, 2017 / 1:30 pm

    Oh I do love a poem!!! Really made me smile as we have just been through all of this a few months ago with my little boy. Everything you said was spot on!! The amount of times we here ‘wee wee coming’!! Thank you for making me laugh on a monday morning x #bigpinklink

  12. February 20, 2017 / 1:40 pm

    Took about 4 over all attempts with Ellie but then one thing I am very good at is knowing when to quit. I could have persevered but I just didn’t want to. Now Trixie is ready and I was going to do it….honest I was! But then Hubby went away for the week for work…Half term week!! So no, I didn’t do it!Even intravenous gin isn’t enough to counter solo parenting and potty training at the same time.
    Kirsty – Winnettes recently posted…Marbled Macarons – Chocolate and Raspberry Marbled MacaronsMy Profile

  13. February 20, 2017 / 2:04 pm

    I can’t actually remember what we did, but she’s okay now so it must have been right! So funny!

  14. February 20, 2017 / 2:12 pm

    Gosh I’m glad we’re three years on from those days! They weren’t my favourite parenting experience! #BigPinkLink

  15. February 20, 2017 / 3:29 pm

    Intravenous gin! I love it! #bigpinklink

  16. February 20, 2017 / 4:44 pm

    Very funny – so glad we’re past all that but when you’re in the thick of it, I remember it seems endless. #bigpinklink

  17. February 20, 2017 / 6:52 pm

    Well done for finding poetry in something so gruesome. I haven’t got to this phase yet, but I remember babysitting for a little boy and there were ping pong balls floating in the loos in his house because his mother had read it was a good way to encourage him to want to use the toilet and make a game of aiming at the balls… I still had to change wet pants and the ping pong balls just freaked me out. #bigpinklink
    Nursery Whines recently posted…Man Vs Child: Who Is Easier To Look After?My Profile

  18. February 20, 2017 / 7:36 pm

    Haa I loved this. Potty training almost killed me, there was poo everywhere! #bigpinklink
    Amy & Tots recently posted…What Sunday Means to MeMy Profile

  19. February 20, 2017 / 8:32 pm

    Good luck i’m not looking forward to doing thus second time around #bigpinklink

  20. February 20, 2017 / 8:37 pm

    Hehe! Ohh I am not looking forward to this, I still have a year or two to prep myself #bigpinklink
    Louise – Mummy Miller recently posted…A First Birthday PartyMy Profile

  21. February 20, 2017 / 11:15 pm

    Sometimes it’s frightening to get a glimpse of one’s own future. Peachy is only 14 months. Not looking foward to this. #bigpinklink

  22. February 21, 2017 / 12:39 am

    Very inspiring! I feel so much more prepared for potty training the twins now, haha!

  23. February 21, 2017 / 8:57 am

    Am dreading the day potty training begins… may just keep him in nappies until he leaves home.lol! Boys are notoriously more difficult to train though. Pass the gin when you’re done. #bigpinklink

  24. February 21, 2017 / 10:28 am

    haha … bless. You will get there in the end. x #bigpinklink

  25. February 21, 2017 / 10:28 am

    lol this is brilliant. For me I would say the opposite. My little girl was a nightmare, she is so stubborn and point blank refused. Then on her third birthday she decided to do it and that was her. The boys were both trained in a few days, but didn’t dig their heels in. It is a nightmare though. Wine should come with a potty for the parent xx #bigpinklink

  26. February 21, 2017 / 1:55 pm

    ah gotta love potty training! this reminds me of a take on paw patrol I wrote last year – poo patrol!! #bigpinklink

  27. February 22, 2017 / 8:28 am

    Ha ha brilliant. Yes I was there a few times before my child decided that she would potty train at the grand old age of 3.5 years (she just wasn’t ready before that, and neither was I!)
    The wee I can cope with, but the poo, ew!

    #bigpinklink

  28. February 23, 2017 / 7:35 pm

    Awesome! I didn’t potty train my two adopted kids but I did potty train my pup little puddles and parcels left to mop up! I share your pain! Great poem. #bigpinklink

  29. February 25, 2017 / 11:13 pm

    Brilliant poem lovely, I’m so glad I went with my instincts with Willow, we were getting so much pressure to potty train but I stood my ground and wouldn’t do it until she decided to do it- luckily we had little to no accidents. I’m not so sure we’ll be so lucky the next time around though haha!! #bigpinklink xx
    Hannah Jane recently posted…Weekend Tot Style #17My Profile

  30. admin
    February 26, 2017 / 5:23 pm

    Teehee! Thanks hun xx

  31. admin
    February 26, 2017 / 5:23 pm

    You’re beyond lovely xxx Loveya Yvonne xx

  32. February 27, 2017 / 1:48 pm

    Hahaha, brilliant Gemma!! I am just always so in awe of people who can put rhymes together-it’s like that part of my brain is faulty-I just can’t do it!! Genius, this is! Well, we were lucky with the eldest-he refused to be potty trained (as in, actually held in the poo until he was so constipated we had to stealth feed him tonnes of movicol) until he had no choice but to poo-but he’d scream till he was sick if we tried to get him to do that poo on the toilet! At 3 and 1/2, we couldn’t really say anymore that he ‘wasn’t ready,’ and tried again, and he just did it-he’s never had an accident since the very first day he’s been in pants! But the little one will be a whole different story… He keeps asking for big boy pants, and instead of grabbing the opportunity, I’m saying no, because I want it to go the way it did with the eldest-but this is the assassin child we are talking about-everything is harder…!
    #bigpinklink
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