The Life is Knutts guide to de-cluttering…

Ah, the wonderful lady over at Your Modern Family, a home cleanliness and parenting website, has sent me another handy email about how to de-clutter my home.

Pahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

She hasn’t seen my home.

It makes the local rubbish tip look like the Ritz at the moment thanks to the school holidays…

Anyhow, the creepily cheerful, and extremely helpful, American lady has offered me the chance to pay just $30, yes, that’s right, only $30 (just the price of a bottle of Craft Gin), to do a 7 day online course in de-cluttering my home.

Each day, for 7 days, she will email set challenges to me and I will be tasked with completing them so I can de-clutter not only my home, but my mind. Yes, really people, she can stop me from thinking about inane shite like, “is there any Saffron for that Paella tomorrow night left in the cupboard?” at 2am in the morning (I never worry about saffron, I just wanted to reassure you all that I was merely being facetious after a couple of glasses of Sangria).

She doesn’t divulge too much in the ‘teaser’ email (obviously, otherwise you won’t need to pay her $30, yes, that’s right folks! Just $30!) but she does say that she will;

– Set several tasks each day to do in your home.

– Give you specific rooms to work on.

– Give you zones in each room that you will work on.

– Walk through each step with you in each zone until it is done.

– Give you access to a Private Facebook Group (oh err!) where she will talk more about de-cluttering.

– Give you worksheets to print off so you can check things off as you go.

Doesn’t that all sound like fun?!

I feel less stressed already after just reading it!

Not.

It’s made me angry and want a Gin, that’s what it’s done.

I know my house is a mess. Acceptance has occurred.

There are 3 boys and one ‘man’ in this house who wee over the toilet seat, leave no bog roll on the holder so I have to “do the shake ‘n’ vac to put the freshness back”, if you get what I’m saying ladies, so I can shuffle away from the loo to replenish the loo roll that’s inevitably just out of reach from the loo to finish up and then there’s the constant leaving of shite around the downstairs to contend with. Socks, jumpers, crisp packets, toys, lycra cycling gear, cups, you name it, it’s lying around the downstairs somewhere.

I know that’s how it is and, for the sake of what’s left of my own sanity, I have come to realise that the mess isn’t really important and there are ‘bigger fish to fry’ in life. Going to Def-con level 9 over an abandoned sock down the sofa isn’t going to help anyone is it…

So, my lovely Knutters, screw the 7 day de-cluttering subscription.

There will be no backing out of rooms happening here.

There will be no checklists.

There will be no private Facebook Groups to join for a masturbate, sorry, MASS DEBATE, about de-cluttering techniques.

Here is my handy, Life is Knutts, 30 second de-cluttering guide…for FREE! 

(Go on, do yourselves a favour and save your $30 to buy a bottle of something nice).

How to de-clutter

– Pick up a black bin bag.

– Place items that you don’t want anymore, and that are out of place, in the black bin bag.

– Throw in the Bin.

– Any items you or your family may still want, throw in the bottom of a wardrobe or under stairs cupboard ready to sort it out ‘at some point’*.

*’At some point’ can be defined as, ‘before death occurs’, or even after death merely by delegating the task to a relative. No need to rush these things*.

– Open a bottle of something alcoholic and sit down to marvel at your impeccably ‘de-cluttered’ home.

Simples.

Don’t say I never give you anything…

😉

Gems.x

Ecard false alarm cleaning:




Daily Cleaning Guide: A Life is Knutts Version

I was reading a blog this morning and on it, they had shared a “Handy, Printable, Daily Cleaning Guide’ for parents.

I almost spat out my coffee. A PRINTABLE DAILY CLEANING GUIDE?! Chuff off…

Here is a copy of said guide. It’s everything that I aspired to do myself, but before having children. Once they came along, there was no chance that these things were going to happen on a daily basis. Ever. And reading it just made me feel even more slobby and lazy than I did already. Take this morning, I’ve been up since 5:45 with the toddler. Have I used this time productively to start my ‘Daily Cleaning’ regime?! Have I bollocks. I’ve sat under a duvet, wallowing in self pity, drinking coffee and looking on Social Media (as well as typing this for you lovely lot, obvs). Here’s what I should have been doing…apparently;

IMG_9865

So, as you can see, it’s a fairly brisk cleaning list, but still one that is not achievable with a tasmanian toddler whirlwinding behind you as you go. It’s just bloody pointless even trying.

The only thing attempting this will lead to is anger and resentment once the family return home and mess it up again within 2 minutes. Save yourself the anguish and leave it for another day.

It’ll still be there, trust me.

The lady claims that you must stick to this schedule religiously for 21 days for it to become routine. The only thing I can stick to for 21 days religiously for it to become routine are drinking Gin at 9pm and saying “for fucks sake” under my breath as we walk out the house for the school run.

Because I found this cleaning schdule so unachievable, I decided to make my own, more do-able, version for you all.

Print it out, stick it on the fridge, ignore it and carry on as you were. Whatever works for you.

Here is the, Life is Knutts Guide to Daily Cleaning…

 Daily Cleaning(2)

I hope you found this chart helpful.

If you didn’t, just pour a gin and and google, “cleaners in my area’. That also does the job.

(Just to add here, I don’t have a cleaner. My husband says it is part of my remit as ‘stay at home parent’ to get these jobs done. However, he hasn’t paid me in 8 years so I’m currently on strike…that’s my excuse anyway and I’m sticking to it).

Gem.x

Pink Pear Bear