The Threenager…

Ben is now 3 and a half.

That means he’s been in our lives for 42 months.

That’s 182 days.

Which equates to 4368 hours (it feels like 4000 of those hours have been waking ones too).

We love him dearly but, my word, he has turned into a actual demon these last few months.

Boys are gross

I know all kids go through it, and his ‘choice’ behaviour is probably amplified by the fact I will have inevitably lost my shit with one (or both) of his brothers earlier in the day already, but he really does seem to be pushing my buttons more than his other two brothers did at this age.

His favourite phrase at the moment as I am quizzing him over an incident (like for instance yesterday when I watched him, for no good reason, smack his middle brother around the head with a toy car) is, “But it wasn’t me mummy! It wasn’t me!”

Erm, I’m afraid little one that, unless you have a twin brother living with us (let’s fucking well hope not for mummy’s sake) it most certainly was you that smacked your brother on the noggin with that die cast camper van and ‘it wasn’t me mummy!’ isn’t going to get you out of this one mate.

Yes, I know he’s 3.

Yes, I know he’s still learning (perhaps a little too much on that front. The phrase mummy uses most frequently on a daily basis, “You’re doing my head in!”, is also now a regular part of Ben’s vocabulary. I’m proud to say it’s always used in context though. Brownie points for him there at least), but he is most certainly is at an age where he knows right from wrong and when he has done something wrong. He just doesn’t seem to care very much…

Even the dreaded, “Do you want me to get Daddy?” in the midst of a spell of select behaviour doesn’t wash with this little chap. He literally giggles in my face (which yes, then often makes me giggle – I’m not the best at being angry mummy. Stressed mummy – check. Worried about everything mummy – check. But angry mummy? Not so much).

My husband has an ‘air of authority’ about his ‘stern voice’ which can even make me quake in my fluffy slippers if he chooses to use it. Ben can react one of two ways to Daddy’s stern voice. He will either cry, run off and dive for cover under the dinner table where he knows Daddy can’t get him (his knees aren’t what they used to be) whilst saying, “me not like Daddy anymore!!!!” or he will stand there and begin engaging in a stare off with him. Brave chap. He’s got some kahunas I can tell you. Option one is the most sensible, but sadly he often opts for option two. At least Ben seems to ignore both of us and isn’t being selective about listening to only mummy or only daddy, I’m all for equality.

He blows raspberries in my general direction when I tell him no.

He moves up and down the stairs when I put him on the thinking step.

He tells me bluntly, “NO”, when I ask him to stop doing something…then followed by blowing raspberries.

He duffs his older brothers up, and even Daddy and Grandad sometimes.

No. Fucks. Given.

I understand as one of three he has to compete for attention, but I like to think I do a pretty good job of splitting myself between all of them in between general life chaos and if I think about it, he actually gets more attention than the other two because he is younger and needs a bit more assistance.

But for all his ‘choice’ behaviour at home, he’s a bloody angel (well, I’m told he is…) when he’s at someones house or at Pre-school.

I guess that’s all we can ask for as parents isn’t it, that they behave when they’re outside of the home so we don’t look like completely inept parents all the time…

I’m sure it’s just a phase (cor, if I had a pound for every time I have said that since becoming a mum) and that it’s all part and parcel of being a Threenager, but my goodness it’s Gin inducing.

This parenting lark is hard you know.

But then they look like this when they’re asleep (yeah, alright, not in his own bed but he’s still asleep) and all (well, almost all) is forgiven…

IMG_3391.jpg

He’s a cheeky chap, with bundles of energy and loves a cuddle. But I do wish he would stop impersonating a WWE wrestler in the living room most days.

It’ll be easier when he’s 4. Won’t it?




Nappy Mishappy…

I’m going to write you a short little tale,

about a toddler who had a slight nappy fail.

I’m not making this up, it really did occur,

It’s a little effed up, I think you’ll concur…

One sunny morning, the toddler awoke,

he came waddling in like a big burly bloke.

His legs were all bowed, like he’d ridden a horse,

but he hadn’t for he’d only just woken, of course.

I looked at him baffled, he seemed very upset,

“What’s the matter my chap, is your nappy wet?”

“Poo poo!” he shouted whilst grabbing his bum,

Ah, the glamorous life of being a mum…

“It’s ok little man, mummy will help you,

don’t get upset about a little bit of poo”.

The toddler continued to grab at his nappy,

the poor little mite really wasn’t too happy…

I collected some wipes and sorted his clothes,

then steeled myself ready to cover my nose,

I undid the nappy, I was full of trepidation,

was I going to be greeted with another brown creation?

“Poo poo!” the toddler continued to shout,

“It’s ok little Ben, I’m sorting it out…”

As I open the nappy, to my complete surprise,

there isn’t a poo waiting before my eyes.

“What the fuck!” I exclaim, “what the hell is this?!”

“I was expecting a poo and a bit of piss!”

I’m not telling a lie, just picture the scene,

I’d only unearthed a sodding Lightening McQueen!

A Lightening McQueen was there in his nappy,

no wonder the poor little sod was unhappy!

A little piss sodden, but otherwise fine,

I used a few baby wipes to make it shine.

“How on earth did this get stuck in there my boy?

That’s not the best place to be hiding a toy!”

Ben cuddles his car and he smiles at me,

and there ends the tale of the nappy mishappy.

Truly folks.

Only in my world would one of my kids wake up at 6:15am and cry that they’ve done a poo, only for me to change them and find there is not in fact a shit in their nappy, but a toy car.

Thankfully, it would appear it was placed there by Ben as he was going to sleep and he had forgotten about it. Mr McQueen hadn’t passed through the littlest one’s digestive system – that would be some road trip, get writing that idea down post-haste Disney Pixar!

One to be saved for his 18th Birthday I think…




#dontbeadick – a toddlers guide…

Quite often, my youngest can be a bit of a (massive) dick.

There, I said it.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I love him to bits, and my entire family for that matter, and wouldn’t be without any of them, but just recently I have found myself mutedly mumbling the phrase, “don’t be a dick”, whilst feeling my heart sink multiple times in a day. It’s starting to feel a bit like Groundhog day…

via GIPHY

That’s right Phil, you smash the crap out of that alarm clock my friend.

Every morning I try to wake up with renewed vigour.

“Today will be a good day!”

“Today will be full of fun and giggles!”

“Today, I’m not going to shout and call the littlest one a knob-head under my breath”.

And then, normally within 30 minutes of waking up, the little one begins his reign of terror for the day and the first muttering of, “don’t be a dick”, spills from my mouth.

Seriously, Boss Baby has nothing on this kid.

I just can’t help it. I can see him about to be a pillock before it happens, but there truly is little to nothing that I can do about it.

Sure, there will be those out there who tell me I am a shit mum for even thinking my toddler is a bit of a tit, who will be opinionated and say I am not in tune with my child’s feelings and it’s my fault he is behaving this way, but I beg to differ.

I can, at times, have the negotiating and bargaining skills of the President of the UN and it still doesn’t make any sodding difference. If this kid has decided he is going to dick-ville, he’s packing his Trunki and zooming there regardless of what I offer him.  This kid doesn’t do mediation.

Here are just a few instances where those words are uttered by me, including some handy tips for toddlers on how not to be a dick.

The first argument we face is normally;

Breakfast.

  • Toddler tip: If you don’t like any of the twenty choices that mummy is offering you for breakfast, DON’T BE A DICK. Just say no thank you and go hungry until snack time, or at least have a silent protest. Don’t scream at me, roll about on the floor, blow raspberries in my face and throw all the cereal boxes out of the cupboard in a rage.

Getting dressed.

  • Toddler tip: If you don’t like the thought of being clothed for the day so we can leave the house without the potential of mummy being arrested for child neglect because it’s a mere two degrees outside, DON’T BE A DICK. Just put the goddamn clothes on already! I’ve spent a small fortune on clothes with your favourite characters on so that you’d be more inclined to put them on and has it made a difference at 8am in the morning when I need to get you and your brothers out the door for school?! Does it bollocks. Just say, “Yes Mummy! I would love to wear my Lightening McQueen t-shirt today! Why thank you!”, and put it on. Don’t leg it and hide under the table so I have to drag you out kicking and screaming by your ankles so I can wrestle you out of your birthday suit.

Walking to school.

  • Toddler tip: If you don’t want to go in the pushchair, I very am happy for you to walk as long as you hold my hand. Please DON’T BE A DICK and let go of my hand and do a runner towards a busy road. Lots of people frown upon the use of baby reigns (I’ve seen the Judgey-McJudge-face’s commenting on the interweb – they seem to think they’re for animals, not children, but I would hazard a guess they haven’t been in possession of a child who could keep up with Usain Bolt). If you continue to let go of my hand and accelerate away from me quicker than I can eat a Creme egg on the sly, I will put the animal-esque walking reins on you without a second thought.

Leaving pre-school.

  • Toddler tip: I know you’ve had a lovely morning playing with your chums, but when it’s time to leave pre-school and get in the car to go home for lunch, DON’T BE A DICK. Sadly we can’t stay at school all day nor go to your friends house for lunch every day. I know you love them, but the answer is no. Please don’t run off in the car park, or sit in a puddle, or go as rigid as a plank so I can’t get you in your car seat.

Lunchtime.

  • Toddler tip: When mummy asks you if you want a Ham sandwich for lunch and you reply with, “yes please!” and help mummy make it full of excitement whilst shouting, “Yummy!”, I don’t find it very funny when you then sit there and say, “Yuck!”, at it like I have presented you with a turd on a plate. I understand it’s everyone’s prerogative to change their minds, god knows I do it all the time myself (hmmm, Gin or Rum? Gin or Rum?) but to change ones mind within the space of 15 seconds, when one is the person who made the request of a ham sarnie, that’s just madness. Stop being a miniature penis and eat it nicely, there’s a good chap. Oh, and if you’re thinking about putting stickers from your Peppa Pig magazine in your sandwich, please don’t.

Around the home.

  • Toddler tip: If mummy gives you a snack, like a yummy-scrummy biscuit or yoghurt, DON’T BE A DICK. Please don’t put it on the TV cabinet, find a toy car and then smash it to smithereens or smear it everywhere because you didn’t want to eat it after all. Number one, you’ve now made a huge mess and pissed mummy right off because she now has more cleaning to do and number two, it’s a waste of good food and I’d have quite happily scoffed that snack had you offered it my way or left it lying on the floor (yes, I have no shame and would not bat an eyelid at the thought of eating a biscuit my toddler has left on the floor rather than bin it). Also, colouring yourself in with a felt tip pen might seem fun at the time, but getting it off? Not so much. Mummy will have to put you in the bath even if you don’t want to go in there and she will have to scrub you profusely until you no longer look like you have a tropical disease. You have been warned youngling.

toddler covered in felt tip pen

At the shops.

  • Toddler tip: Look kiddo, mummy hates shopping with you as much as you do most of the time, but the fact of the matter is, sometimes shit just needs to get done and until you start school properly, you might have to come along for the ride too, alright? If mummy needs to pop into M&S to get herself some new socks and pants because hers have more holes in than a slice of swiss cheese, DON’T BE A DICK. Please don’t go into jelly mode and lay in a heap at the threshold to the shop entrance because you know it’s a boring shop with no prospect of playing with toys. If you behave, I could be in and out in 5 minutes flat but if you continue to be a toss-turnip and bellow at me in the middle of the shopping centre, it’ll end up escalating to the point that I go all cry baby on your ass and then retreat home with no new socks and pants meaning I’m going to be a tad peeved at you and not let you watch the kids opening Kinder Eggs on YouTube. Capisce?

via GIPHY

I know kids are only small for a short amount of time, and I wouldn’t wish the time away but my gawd, some days they push every single button you have don’t they?! It’s natural to feel like you want to book yourself a one way ticket to a Caribbean Island with only a suitcase full of Gin (and maybe those new M&S socks and pants you finally managed to buy) on occasion and that’s ok. It’s ok to find some days a struggle, and don’t think for one minute all those posts you see on social media of happy smiley families every day are the norm, because for most people, it isn’t. We all have wonderful days, glimpses of what we perceive to be perfection, but we can also all have truly shit-tastic ones, and I can assure you that you’re not alone.

So toddler of mine, and most other toddlers out there, remember;

Don’t be a dick.

Ultimately though folks, said toddler will end up being a bit of a dick at some point every day. They’re still little, they’re learning, they’re testing boundaries and pushing our buttons quicker than a teenager playing a video game. But it’s ok to feel a bit pissed off about it, mutter profanities under your breath and moan, lord knows I do.

It’s ok to say in your head, “I love you kiddo, but I don’t always like you”.

And when all else fails, remember cake and cocktails are your friends people.

Cake and Cocktails.




How to get your Hygge on with the kids at home – #HalfTermHygge

If you haven’t heard of the term ‘Hygge’ that has been banded about everywhere recently, where have you been?!

To be fair, I have only heard of it thanks to some lovely bloggers I follow (Scandi Mum, I’m looking at you!) but I do love the sound of it and it’s sentiment.

So, what is, Hygge?

Good question. I’m not really sure of the definition, and it’s not something that can be easily defined anyway. It’s a kind of ’emotion’. A way of living. A mindset.

Hygge (pronounced hue-gah) is a Danish word that is a feeling or mood that comes taking genuine pleasure in making ordinary, every day moments more meaningful, beautiful or special. Hygge doesn’t require learning, adopting it as a lifestyle or buying anything. It simply requires being present and recognising a moment that feels so sweet, cosy, charming, special or nice that you just have to name the moment. You know, like when the kids sleep through, you’re given a bottle of Gin as a gift or your husband actually puts his sodding pants in the wash basket. Miracles do apparently happen.

Hygge is being aware of a special moment regardless of how simple it may be.


 Get your Hygge on at home with the kids!

The lovely guys from Plusnet sent me and the boys a little Hygge box so we could experience some simple pleasure together this past half term. We had a busy half term (and ours was last week, not this week) but the middle one has been a bit under the weather for a couple of days so we used our box as an opportunity to cheer him up. From Hygge with love…

In our box we had:

Some popcorn kernels to make our own popcorn

A hot chocolate with marshmallows

A recipe card for Danish Butter Biscuits

Fairy Lights

A star garland decoration

Some den building suggestions

A poster to rate our favourite film (we chose Trolls, and all gave it 5 stars!)

We made our popcorn and added icing sugar to it whilst it was still warm to make it sweet. The kids loved this and listening to it ‘pop’ in the pan was so much fun! (Though I had a slightly nervous demeanour because I thought I had burnt it. Luckily I hadn’t!)

Zak decided he wanted to make some Oat and Raisin biscuits instead of the Danish Butter ones and we had a lovely time together whipping a batch of these up.

Zak and his little brother, Ben, made their den using the sofa cushions (for once I wasn’t shouting at them for turfing them all over the living room!) and they used a large blanket as the roof of their Den. They decorated the inside of it with fairy lights and the star garland and sat in there to eat their snacks they had made, drink their hot chocolate and watch Trolls. Sadly they didn’t stay in the den long because the songs in the movie make them want to prance all over the house (it is quite a sight!) and they don’t do sitting down very well. They did however keep rebuilding their den and Zak was very proud of his cosy creation. I would quite happily have spent an afternoon in there with a Gin and Tonic getting my Hygge on!

It’s really easy for you to have your own Hygge experience at home. Just head on over to Plusnet’s #HalfTermHygge for hints and tips and details on how you can enter a competition! All you have to do is share your moments of having a go at #HalfTermHygge.


Our little Hygge experience video


 Disclosure: I was sent a Hygge Half term box by Plusnet in return for this post. All words, thoughts and opinions are my own.



The 73 Questions Vlog Tag…

I’ve done it. My first official ‘Vlog’. Eek!

I hate my face.

I hate my voice.

Therefore Vlogging isn’t something that comes easy to me.

In order to kick off my vlogging exploits, I have been tagged in the 73 questions tag by the lovely Laura from Dear Bear and Beany. You can see her Vlog answering her questions here. Lauz is so lovely and is only just delving into the world of YouTube herself so be kind to us both…or else.

(It’s an empty threat, I don’t do violence but I would come to your house and drink your alcohol cupboard bare).

So, without further ado, here is my ugly mug chatting shite and battling with a toddler to SHUT THE CHUFF UP!!!!

Enjoy!

(With copious amounts of Gin to get through it)


 I am tagging some other bloggers so they can take part.

These are:

Reclusive Fox

The Mum from Brum

Emma and Family

Amy and Tots

Bell and Bear

Mummy Miller


Here are your questions!

1. What’s your favourite movie?
2. Favourite movie in the past five years?
3. Favorite Hitchcock film?
4. A book you plan on reading?
5. A book that you read in school that positively shaped you?
6. Favourite TV show that’s currently on?
7. On a scale of one to ten how excited are you about life right now?
8. iPhone or Android?
9. Twitter or Instagram?
10. Who should EVERYONE be following right now?
11. What’s your favourite food?
12. Least favourite food?
13. What do you love on your pizza?
14. Favourite drink?
15. Favorite dessert?
16. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?
17. Coffee or tea?
18. What’s the hardest part about being a mum?
19. What’s your favourite band?
20. Favourite solo artist?
21. Favourite song?
22. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be?
23. If you could master one instrument, what would it be?
24. If you had a tattoo, where would it be?
25. To be or not to be?
26. Dogs or cats?
27. Bird-watching or whale-watching?
28. Best gift you’ve ever received?
29. Best gift you’ve ever given?
30. Last gift you gave a friend?
31. What’s your favourite board game?
32. What’s your favourite country to visit?
33. What’s the last country you visited?
34. What country do you wish to visit?
35. What’s your favourite colour?
36. Least favourite colour?
37. Diamonds or pearls?
38. Heels or flats?
39. Pilates or yoga?
40. Jogging or swimming?
41. Best way to de-stress?
42. If you had one superpower, what would it be?
43. What’s the weirdest word in the English language?
44. What’s your favourite flower?
45. When was the last time you cried?
46. Do you like your handwriting?
47. Do you bake?
48. What is your least favourite thing about yourself?
49. What is your most favourite thing about yourself?
50. Who do you miss most?
51. What are you listening to right now?
52. Favorite smell?
53. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
54. Who was the last person you sent a text to?
55. A sport you wish you could play?
56. Hair color?
57. Eye colour?
58. Scary film or happy endings?
59. Favourite season?
60. Three people alive or dead that you would like to have dinner with?
61. Hugs or kisses?
62. Rolling Stones or the Beatles?
63. Where were you born?
64. What is the farthest you have been from home?
65. Sweet or savoury?
66. Lipstick or lip gloss?
67. What book have you read again and again?
68. Favourite bedtime story?
69. What would be the title of your autobiography?
70. Favourite sound?
71. Favorite animal?
72. Who is your girl crush?
73. Last photograph you took?


Good luck folks and I can’t wait to see your videos!

Thanks again to Laura for the kick up the bum to have a go at the Vlogging lark. It might be my one and only time, but at least I can say that I tried!