My name is Gem and I’m a crier.
It’s that time of year again where I seem to spend most of my days getting emotional about literally everything.
I’m not joking, I don’t think there is a day that goes by at the moment where I don’t ugly cry at something.
It could be an advert about nappies, it could be a rare moment of affection and love between my boys, it could be a new bottle of Gin arriving in the food delivery that sets me off. I really do seem to turn on the waterworks at anything.
I am pretty sure my husband must think that I have finally lost the plot.
The summer term at school is always a hard one. There is loads going on day to day, there’s lots to remember, there’s uncertainty, questions, angst, stress, laughter, memories made, milestones reached and it’s all starting to take it’s toll on me.
I seriously don’t think I used to cry as much pre-kids. I have always been an emotional person (the sort to cry at TV shows and don’t even try to get me to watch Children in Need or suchlike, I just can’t) but I am pretty certain that motherhood has made my tendency to sob worse.
Just last week I think I cried about 15 times. Here are some of the things that set me off, some trivial, some not so;
– Ben telling me thank you at bedtime for giving him cuddles all day.
– All three boys eating the same dinner, sitting for the whole mealtime without me shouting at them for using their cutlery as weapons against each other like they normally do and finishing everything on their plates.
– Listening to a song by someone called Agnes Obel (September Song – it was used in Big Little Lies on Sky Atlantic and I love it)
– Watching my middle one in his class assembly say his lines. For someone that didn’t say ‘Mummy’ until he was 4 and had speech therapy, I always get emotional seeing how far he has come when he does some public speaking.
– Listening to my middle one and his class sing their songs in their class assembly (Lean on by Bill Withers and History by One Direction – both got me right in the feels)
– Thinking about the fact my eldest only has 2 years left at Primary school.
– Thinking about my middle one’s wonderful teacher leaving next week – she is one of the most lovely people I have ever met.
– Reaching the bottom of the washing basket for 2 whole hours.
– Having to say goodbye and go the funeral of my Auntie’s Grandma who was 102 years old – what a woman she was and what changes she saw in her lifetime. The vicar explained that when she was born in 1915, the first ever telephone call happened. Can you imagine the leaps in technology she has lived through, as well as witnessing 2 World Wars?! Astounding.
– Watching the last episode of Breaking Bad (yeah, we were late to the party there but what a series!!!)
– Having an argument with some fondant icing and ripping the head off something I had made in a fit of rage. Somewhat satisfying as well I have to say.
– Panicking about what I need to remember for the last 2 weeks of school and how I am going to fit everything in that I need to get done before the kids finish for summer holidays.
– Looking back at photos of my family and the kids.
– My eldest coming out with some hilarious sayings and sounding really grown up. The comedian in me was super proud of his sarcasm, even if it was verging on cheekiness.
– Being told by my husband that a cake I made was actually, quote, “Pretty good”. High praise indeed from him.
Oh man, I’m starting to get all emosh just writing all this down! See, I told you I’m a crier.
I actually hate the fact I am a crier. It’s super embarrassing.
Every time I feel like I am going to start wailing, I tell myself not to. I give myself a metaphorical slap around the chops and try to pull myself together, but to no avail. I’ll manage for a minute or two and then, once the floodgates have opened, that’s it. I’m like Paul Gascoigne after England crashed out of Italia ’90.
Last week, I knew I was going to cry at Zak’s assembly before I had even seen it. I read the script he was practicing with because I thought I might not find it as emotional if I’d got it all out of my system at home but no, I still sobbed like a lunatic whilst they spoke about being brave moving into year 3, about saying goodbye to their friends and reminiscing about all the fun they’d had as a class over the last 3 years. I was massively thankful that Ben piped up and demanded a piddle towards the end of it because I had snot dripping from my nose and makeup smudged all over myself like a crying clown. What a numpty.
I even looked at techniques online to apparently help stop yourself from crying;
– Pulling your bottom eyelids down (yeah Gem, because that wouldn’t look weird in front of the whole school and all the parents of your son’s class would it…)
– Pinching the bit of skin between your thumb and pointing finger really hard.
– Deep breathing.
– Singing a jolly song in your head (I chose always look on the bright side of life. That was a bad choice – it made me cry).
– Counting in your head.
– Looking up (again Gem, you’d have looked like a bit of an idiot doing that, either like you’re bored or doing some serious soul searching)
None of those things worked. None of them.
I just cannot, stop, sobbing!!!!
Next week when it’s the end of term I am going to be even worse *goes off to google more ‘stop yourself from crying’ techniques*. We have leavers/end of year assembly at school and even though none of my kids are leaving, I will still cry. We have to say goodbye to my middle one’s teacher for good, again I will probably ugly cry in front of her and the entire class. We have to say goodbye to my little one’s preschool manager who is also one of the most lovely people ever (she is off to live in Dubai…noooooo!), the 3 year old has his preschool booster jabs and is going to hate me forever for letting them jab him up and we just have day to day carnage and shit to remember. I think I might be a complete wreck by next Friday and be on intravenous Gin.
I am fully preparing myself for another couple of weeks of snotty nosed sobbing before the summer holidays hit, and then I’ll probably just be crying through stress. Please be kind to me summer holidays…