Crap celebration…

So, with Potty Training almost under control and in ‘full flow’ (pardon the piddle related pun) we now have the joyous task of celebrating poos done on the potty.

What a milestone.

Never in my life did I imagine that I would reach a stage where I inform my husband as I greet him after a long day at work by announcing proudly that Ben has sat on his plastic throne and created a turd.

High praise ensues.

Daddy tells him well done and gives him a high five, mummy gives him a hug and 10p (yep, I stupidly bribed him with MONEY to shit on the pot. He now tries to squeeze one out every time he visits so he can increase his piggy bank stash. Rookie mistake), his brothers jump about chanting, “Ben did a poo! Ben did a poo! Yay!!!!!!”

It’s utter madness if you were an outsider looking in. Us, all there, celebrating the latest poo like we have won the lottery.

The most unusual bit about Ben’s toilet training compared to my previous experience with his brothers, is the fact that he is rather ‘attached’ to his crap creations. Each time he has completed his pooping session, he stands up, has a good visual inspection of it and then informs me of what it looks like and tells me to look too. It’s bloody grim, but he has to do it every single time otherwise he (literally) looses his shit.

So far we have had a snake, an apple, a worm, a banana, a cat, a tree, a monster and a snowman.

He then tips his crap art down the toilet, says, “Bye, bye! Have a nice swim!” and flushes them away before presenting me with his hand so I can tip him 10p for his latest creation.

I’ve never known a kid like it.

He also refers to his poo as ‘him’. Like it’s a person.

“Can me see him?”

“Can me put in toilet?’

“Me say bye him?”

I’m surprised we haven’t had to have a ceremony where we crack a bottle of champers on the side of the bog as we flush it away on it’s maiden voyage down the drain yet.

I’m just hoping that it’s a phase that he grows out of soon.

Or that he shits out an epic masterpiece I can put in the Tate Modern and get him a little university trust fund going.

*************

Kids.

Poo.

Sleep.

Repeat.




The Potty Training Poem…

Before I start, a disclaimer.  Any similarities that are found in this poem to my life, or that of anyone else’s, is purely co-incidental.

Oh, who am I trying to kid, of course it’s about my sodding life!

Potty training.

Literally and metaphorically, a shit time in your parenting life…


The time has come my little one, for you to use the potty,

Life is so much better when there’s no poo upon your botty.

This part is where your wee comes out and this part lets you poo,

and when you’ve mastered the potty my child, you can sit upon the loo.

***

“Wee-wee coming” the cry rings out, the toddler needs to pee,

“Go-go-go” the mummy yells, as she whips him off her knee…

Down come the trousers, as quick as a flash, then onto the potty he goes,

“Wee-wee gone” says the little one, a false alarm I suppose.

***

“Uh-oh!” says the toddler, with a grin on his face, he’s stood in a puddle of piss,

“Oh sodding hell!” the mum says in her head, “how the chuff did my life become this?”

“Don’t worry darling!” she says out loud, forcing a smile from within.

“Fuck this shit”, she says to herself, “I’m off to crack open the Gin”.

***

“Poo-poo coming!” the toddler now yells and the mum runs as fast as she can,

she slides on the floor like a ninja and whisks him away to the pan.

“Uh-oh!” says the toddler, a smirk on his face, a distinct whiff of faeces appears,

a peek down his trousers reveals a huge stinky turd and sadly confirms her worst fears.

***

“Where do we poo my sweet little boy? On the potty or in your trousers?”

The mum tries her best not to shout, “What the fuck!” as she deals with this stinkiest of encounters.

Her nostrils offended, her stomach is churned, the stench will not sod the hell off,

How can a person so small, cause such a stench which makes you  gag and cough?

***

Weeks pass on by, and with each one that does, the training doesn’t get any better,

She begins to think her child’s pissing on things, merely to upset her.

The sofa is covered in stains and weird smells, “Is that stain on there chocolate or poo?”

She gives it a sniff to investigate more, “Ah, it’s definitely the latter. Ewwww!”

***

The mum decides that maybe her toddler just isn’t ready for potty training yet.

“I mean, to be honest this child of mine doesn’t care if his nappy is wet.”

She decides that it’s best to just call it quits before her patience is thinner than thin,

so she puts him in a nappy, heads out to the kitchen and pours a fecking massive Gin.

Wee on the sofa

Interior design addition by my todder. Piss on the sofa…

One of the most fun times in your parenting career isn’t it, potty training?

Intravenous Gin. It’s the only way forward…




Get your Bake On – Poo Emoji Meringues!

Holy Crap!

No, fear not friends, I’ve not encountered the alleyway poop lady again.

If you’ve no idea what I’m jibbering about, quite normal, here is a link to the post that I’m on about to explain all…I’d advise reading it after you’ve eaten).

So…anyhoodlums, today’s “Get your bake on” recipe is…

Poo Emoji Meringues

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Officially, probably, the only time you’ll ever want to eat a turd….

The kids thought these were great and, as a lovely friend said to me, they appeal to all their senses! What kids wouldn’t find eating a poo emoji funny?!

Ideal as a quirky addition to any school bake sale, these little dudes would be sure to fly off the table like sh*t off a shovel!

Enjoy!


Ingredients

100g Caster Sugar

2 Large Egg Whites

1 large tablespoon of sifted cocoa powder

Brown food colouring (optional, but makes the ‘Poops’ more brown in colour than just the cocoa alone)

To Decorate

White writing Icing

Black Writing Icing

*Makes about 8 fairly large, cupcake sized, poops. You could also make more smaller ones, or one ENORMOUS one*

The world is your…poop?!


Method

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  1. Pre-heat your oven to 100’c – low and slow is the name of the game here…
  2. Get a large baking tray and some greaseproof paper/baking parchment
  3. Using a pencil and something small and round (I used a mini roll of cellotape), draw circles onto your baking parchment, leaving gaps of 1 inch between them.
  4. Once the circles are drawn on your paper, turn the paper over so the pencil won’t be touching the mixture but so that you can still see the markings.
  5. Separate your eggs and place the whites into your clean and dry mixing bowl.
  6. Beat the egg whites for several minutes with an electric whisk, or in a mixer, until they are thick and hold firm peaks when you raise the beaters.
  7. Keep beating, gradually adding the caster sugar and then the cocoa powder a tablespoon at a time, until it is thoroughly incorporated and you have a very thick, glossy meringue.
  8. Spoon the mixture into a piping bag, I used disposable ones. You don’t need a piping tip for this recipe if you’re using disposable bags. If you’re using re-useable ones, a large, circular piping tip is best for these. Another tip here is to roll the top of your piping bag over a pint glass so it doesn’t move or get too messy when filling it up.
  9. Pipe in a circular motion to make your poo emoji shapes, think whippy ice cream and finish with a peak at the top. Try to keep them essentially the same size.
  10. Place in the oven and bake for three hours, then remove from the oven and leave to cool completely.
  11. Once cool, pipe the whites of the poo emojis eyes onto your meringues.
  12. Then do a small, happy mouth. Almost a boomerang shape. Leave to dry a little.
  13. Once the white icing has dried a little, add the black pupils onto the eyes.
  14. And, you’re done! Poo Emoji Meringues!
  15. When storing, keep in an airtight container for a few days. Airtight is important, or they will start to soften, and nobody wants a squidgy poop…

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Do share your attemps at these Poo Emoji Meringues with me on my facebook page or over on Instagram by tagging me in your photos! I love seeing what you’ve all made!

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Happy Pooping!




Odd one out…

I posted this over on Facebook last night…

It is utterly grim but I just had to share the reality that is Parenthood with you all.

Enjoy!

(feel free to like my Facebook page whilst you’re over there!)

Click here to read my Facebook post!




Britmums Daily Photo Challenge: Day 15 – Blue

Here is my entry for today’s Britmums photo challenge – today’s word is, blue.

It was my little ones 2nd birthday last week and I made him a blue Thomas the Tank cake.

Upon eating it…we all realised we had stained blue mouths – teeth, tongue, lips, everything. Even poor old Grandad and Uncle didn’t escape the blue mouth.  

  
The funniest bit was the next day, having a few people inform me that their poo was also blue 😂🙊💩 (although my eldest and middle one thought it was absolutely brilliant – obviously!)

Whoops!!
#onceinabluepoo

#toiletsmurf