In the words of Faithless’ Insomnia, “I can’t get no sleep”.
The small one, who doesn’t require sleep to survive, kept running on 100% power until 10pm last night after only a 30 minute power nap during the day (it’s safe to say that I could probably hibernate from October-March and I’d still be tired…). I don’t know how he does it.
I, however, couldn’t get back to sleep.
It was like my body wanted (no, needed) to sleep but my brain, for once in its life, didn’t (my husband is pretty sure I gave birth to my brain along with our second child, delightful isn’t he?!). No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get back off to sleep.
I tried counting sheep, counting gin bottles, thinking of nothing (which is basically impossible and resulted in me singing Queens, “The show must go on” in my head. Analyse that…) and having a drink of water (gin would’ve be been preferable but I had the school run to do in 3 hours time and thought it may be frowned upon).
After 30 minutes or so, I suddenly found myself having irrational panics and in a sleep deprived stupor, I became rather emotional about the fact Luke, my eldest who is 7, is growing up too fast. I worked out he only has 3.5 years left at his primary school. That means 2.5 years until we apply for secondary school. It actually made me feel sick.
Where the hell has the time gone?! He was only at preschool 5 minutes ago…
I couldn’t stop worrying about it, at 5am in the morning, and was even going over how I was going to have to try and compose myself at his leavers/end of year assembly. I’ve managed to cry at every single one so far even though I’ve not been personally affected by having anyone leave yet. Since having the kids I even cry at adverts for nappies…it’s completely mental and when I finish a bottle of beloved Gin, I’m pretty inconsolable. I even keep some of the empty bottles on the kitchen windowsill because I can’t bear to see them go…
I came to the conclusion that I would be able to watch the assembly but I’d have to put headphones in and play music so I couldn’t hear it (That often works for me with scary films, if I feel like it might make me soil myself I swiftly stick my fingers in my ears so I can see the carnage but I can’t hear it. My husband probably thinks he’s living with someone on day release but it works for me) – I’ll look exceptionally rude but I won’t have snot running down my face and be rocking on the floor whilst staring at baby photos of them on my phone.
I then worked out that it’ll be even more emotional at that leavers assembly in 2019, as that will be the one and only year I have all 3 of my boys at the same school, all singing together and all eagerly searching for me in amongst the sea of sniveling mummy faces so they can spot me, wave excitedly and look all proud that I’m there whilst giving me a thumbs up. That caused another 30 minutes of irrational panic and emotion, by which time, I was half an hour away from wake up time. Hubby was oblivious to all my fretting, he was just snoring away…lucky git.
I spent the 30 minutes before I needed to drag my sorry, emotional wreck of an arse out of bed, planning ideas for the next 3 years worth of birthdays, days out and trips away that I want to do before my kids are too old to be seen dead with me and have written them all down on my phone. I’ve made a pact with myself to fulfill them all, not that my husband knows anything of it all yet so that could be a spanner in the works already… 😂
Sleep deprivation is a beast. It sucks you in and messes with your head (that’s where the medicinal Gin comes in handy…). But it did serve a useful purpose in that it’s made me realise what’s important in life, and how quickly childhood zooms by. As much as I moan about the tough parts, I’m thankful for everything (well, alright, maybe not everything…cleaning up toddler pee and having our home slowly destroyed by a minature monster we cleverly created can have its tough moments).
I WILL put my insomnia influenced plans into action, but for now, I just hope my sodding toddler sleeps tonight because I can’t cope with another night of insomnia enduced emotional torture…
Gin before bed tonight I think (for me, not the toddler before you panic 😉).